Don't Try This At Home!

[allaganeyes]

Greetings! I am G'raha Tia. In the interest of sharing something from home with you all, I'd like to offer my own recipe for Archon Bread!

The recipe takes some getting used to, certainly, but I grew up eating a great deal of this and have grown accustomed to its taste. I don't recommend this to those with issues chewing... as you'll do it for a while. Good for training your jaw muscles, perhaps?

-One handful of peas, broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots OR parsnips depending on how sweet you want it. But process them into a paste for texture purposes!

-1 1/2 tablespoons of dry yeast

-1 cup warm water, up to 1 1/2 cups if needed

-2 tablespoons of vegetable oil

-1/4 teaspoon of salt

-1/4 cup of sugar

-1-pound fish filet, patted dry and ground into a paste

-4 cups of rye flour


Place yeast in water, let activate for ten minutes. Combine flour, oil, sugar, salt, vegetable paste and activated yeast, knead for ten minutes.

Let dough rest for 45 minutes to an hour. Dough should double in size!

GENTLY knead in fish paste. Don't bust up those bubbles, but each bite should have the nutritious vegetables and fish, you see.

Preheat oven to 350F. In the meantime, let final dough rest in its final pan, a 9x5 loaf shaped.

Bake for 35-45 minutes. Finished bread should be 200F inside using a thermometer. Let cool completely before slicing. Best eaten with rolanberry jam, but strawberries seem close enough. Butter can work atop as well. Mind the way your kitchen smells. That's normal.

And there you have it! If you try it, please inform me. I'd like to perhaps taste it, if I'm not too forward in asking.

Comments

[chimermaid]

G'raha,

In my home city of Ravnica, I am a celebrated doctor in an organization dedicated to bleeding-edge experiments of an unconventional nature, and most of which involve the application of marine life in ways that your average member of the populace would consider bizarre, unethical, or outright abominable, blasphemous to laws of man and nature alike.

And even I think you've gone too far with this recipe.

[allaganeyes]

You know, I hear things in that neighborhood a lot. But perhaps you ought try it before making such judgments, perhaps?

[chimermaid]

I've had to endure the smell every time you bake it.

[allaganeyes]

Pardon me, but aren't you a shark...?

[paladin_and_loving_it]

You know, I thought you were going somewhere else with this recipe. We used to make something similar back home, but we cooked it differently. Instead of turning the veggies and fish into a flour replacement, we turned the fish and veggies into a savory filling that we wrapped the bread dough around.

[allaganeyes]

A filling sounds wonderful, a savory pastry! Alas, something like that takes more time and the filling can spill onto your lap upon taking a bite. Cleaning your shirt eats into time spent in study.

[paladin_and_loving_it]

In that case I think we can fix both your shirt stains and your tendency to forget to eat at the same time! You see, we had two versions of this recipe. You're thinking of the first, which was baked like normal bread and made for a wonderful dinner-time food. But the second way was to thicken the filling with a bit of flour and bake the bread three or four times. We called these ones "nibblers". Sure, it's a bit crunchy, but they keep for weeks! Wrap 'em in burlap and you can carry your lunch with you in your pocket. Best of all, the filling turns into a thick tar so it doesn't ever come out onto your lap.

Oh wait... How sturdy are your teeth?

[allaganeyes]

Not as sturdy as yours, I'd wager. Are you serious about the 'tar' comparison?

[boomchucka]

Haven't you subjected enough people to that godawful excuse for bread?

[allaganeyes]

Never. Why, I'll invent Archon Cookies next! Crispy, full of crab, cream cheese and plenty of greens.

[boomchucka]

No. Anything with the word archon attached to it is a very bad idea.

[allaganeyes]

But... I'm an archon.

[know_the_unknowable]

I do not usually cook beyond the bare minimum, so attempting this was quite an undertaking, especially as I worried it may smell unpleasant with some of the ingredients, and I do not live alone. That said, I have prepared several loaves in a rented kitchen space using my knowledge of alchemy, and I think that they came out well.

Thank you for sharing this recipe, G'raha Tia. It is perfectly adequate sustenance. I believe that I will make it again in the future, it seems a good solution to the annoyance that is food.

[allaganeyes]

Thank you! I think.

[know_the_unknowable]

You are welcome. The taste is... Interesting. And the texture makes it somewhat difficult to consume. Your suggestion of strawberry jam did make it easier to choke down.

But I quite enjoy how quickly this food allows one to see to the needs of the body while studying without distraction.

[unzeal]

Hmm...
This is..

What sort of consistency should the "paste" be, per se?
Should I be adding more oil or water to have in a more liquid state?
Or is more flour needed so that it reaches a more solid state?

Hmm... perhaps I should adds some more sugar? How sweet is too sweet?
This is my first experiment with making my own bread!

[boomchucka]

Schala, this bread is a trap not safe for human consumption. Abort the mission.

Trust me.

[allaganeyes]

Ah- don't mind her! It's fine, really. The paste should be as smooth as you can make it. Add scant amounts of water if needed.

Extra sugar may upset the balance, however- I'd try the recipe as it is, then play with the seasonings in subsequent batches as you see fit. Then you'll have your own special variety.

[boomchucka]

Oh really?

Are you sure about that?

Are you really sure about?

Are you absolutely 100% sure about that?

[Tread carefully, G'raha. Tread very carefully.]

[unzeal]

Oh, I see.
...

Um, say, hypothetically, that it was too late to recant an extra several dashes of sugar or was that salt? Hmm... would perhaps a bit more of the fish be able to even the balance once more?

[unzeal]

But, I've already begun, it would be a shame to waste so many ingredients.
Many... many ingredients.

This is the first time I've done anything like this, actually.

[boomchucka]

Oh dear...

Well... try not to break any jaws.

[bladeofconquest]

Schala's been cooking up a storm!

[And the kitchen certainly reflects that.]

But I'm looking forward to it! With G'raha's masterful instructions and Schala's additions, I think this is gonna be a feast to remember.

[Much the same way the Titanic was a cruise to remember.]

I'm so proud of you, love.

[Also entirely, unabashedly true.]

[lowercase_dragon]

Gonna try this one for sure.

But I can think of better ways you can help me exercise my jaw muscles~

Dated to the morning after Schala's "Experiment"

[bladeofconquest]

Hey all, if you need to get in touch with us Schala and I won't be available today, because we're [There's just the very slightest pause here.] resting. We're fine! We just didn't sleep very well last night, so.

See you all later!

[Blearily, she puts the pen down and crawls back into bed, wrapping her arms around an equally-miserable Zealian to sleep it off.]